Positive!

December 19, 2010

"Pregnant.  1-2 weeks."

The digital display on the expensive Clear Blue preggo tester didn't leave any room for doubt, unlike the vague blue plus sign of the no-name brand kits I got at three for a nickel.  It hasn't really lodged itself in my brain as a reality yet.  None-the-less, I'm slowly and cautiously giving myself permission to be just a little excited, and Ryan and I have actually spoken about it out loud so it's starting to sink in. 

I don't know whether it's psychosomatic or not, but now that I "know" it's as if every little physical feeling I experience is somehow because I'm pregnant. 

Like today.

I felt nauseated.  Is it because there's a teeny person growing inside me, or is it simply how I always feel after eating a greasy meal?  I know I feel more exhausted than usual, and Ryan is claiming sympathy exhaustion.  He's snoring beside me as I write this.  Downstairs our tenant is performing his usual evening ritual of blowing his nose in a perfect B flat.

So the first meal I knowingly fed my unborn child this morning was McDonald's breakfast.  Does it still constitute child abuse if baby's not even out of the womb yet?  I felt ashamed, but it was mini-Christmas with my brother Vince here and it had been the plan all along.  Two weeks past conception and already he/she has had an Egg McMuffin.

Being around the family the last twenty-four hours has made not slipping something a big challenge.  We've already decided that we're going to have to tell our families on the 26th.  We're staying overnight at the Herrods' that night for the Herrod Family Christmas and it'll be too hard to keep it a secret, what with the amount of alcohol I usually consume at Christmas time.  (For those of you who are thinking of mailing me AA pamphlets as we speak, this is an inside joke that probably only a select few will appreciate.)

I'm sure I'm not alone in how anxious and awkward I feel about the big reveal, but I can't exactly place why.  I think it's because for that moment you're suddenly the centre of everyone's attention which, for an extreme introvert like myself, is very much like one of those dreams where you go into a public washroom and find the only stall left is one with no door and you're somehow compelled to use that very stall and everyone is standing there watching you.  Or am I the only one who has dreams like that? 

Anyway, I know everyone will be super excited and supportive, I'm not worried about that at all.  It's the telling.  We've decided to casually slip it into conversation as opposed to doing something showy.  Short and sweet.  Like pulling off a bandage really quickly.  Only not a bandaid.  And cooler.