Positive?

Saturday December 18, 2010

I think I'm pregnant.

To some people those words are said in fear, elation, joy... and certainly in all cases, trepidation.  Regardless of whether it was planned or a surprise, it almost certainly will guarantee that you are about to embark upon an adventure of unknown proportions.

Although faint, all three pregnancy tests I did today, at various times throughout the day, all show the faintest blue line indicating "positive".  Ever the skeptic, I dropped 20 large on one of those super expensive digital ones that tell you, not only if you're pregnant, but also the babies eye colour, height and future occupation.  I'll take that test tomorrow morning, to be sure.  I probably still won't be satisfied that I'm really pregnant until the baby actually emerges from my loins.  Every package insert and website I've read assures me that a false positive is very rare, so there's a really good chance there are actually three people here in bed, not just two.

If you had asked me if I ever wanted kids about 10 years ago, the answer would have been a resounding "Hell No".  I even wrote an opinion piece for the local newspaper extolling the virtues of childlessness by choice.  I was a confident, independent woman who didn't need to find my self-worth through procreation.

Everyone always told me I'd change my mind.  "Oh you'll see," they told me.  Their mockery of what I felt was my permanent fundamental belief, hurt.  I even had a youth pastor's wife tell me that if I didn't intend on having children, surely I had no business getting married.  Now if you knew my mother you would know what kind of hell on earth she caused our church when she found this out.  She was always my champion.

Having been married twice and divorced, my mother was fiercely independent and instilled it into her girls, too.  I remember receiving my first toolbox as a Christmas gift when I was fifteen.  I suppose you could call it some sort of feminism.  I just called it normal.

Years and years later, also at a church function, I met my husband.  Everything changes when you meet the man of your dreams.  Suddenly Clay Aiken didn't take as high of a priority, I stopped eating Chef Boy-R-Dee (as frequently), and my uterus leapt a little at the thought of having kids.  I guess it never really occurred to me that I would ever love someone enough to want to bear their young.  But I do love Ryan that much, and I'm not ashamed to say that I had a change of heart.

I remember the night we had "the talk."  You see, Ryan married me knowing I never wanted to have kids.  He loved me more than he wanted to be a dad, even though he had dreamt of becoming a father his whole life.  He loved me more.

About a year into our marriage, late one night, we stumbled upon the topic of kids.  It could have been the couple glasses of wine I had enjoyed earlier, but something inside of me started chipping away at a brick wall that had been guarding a very vulnerable part of my heart.  Through kisses and tears, I told him I would go off the pill and we'd leave it in God's hands.  That was October of 2009.

A year older and wiser, I realize everything happens in God's perfect timing.  Our company is growing to the extent that as of February 2011 I was poised to be entering into full-time administration from home.  We just hired eight new team members, we just found a new home church and things are just generally falling into place for us.  Never early, never late, but always on time.

In contemplating parenthood a year ago, Ryan and I took a trip to the library to borrow as many books on the subject as possible.  I never do anything halfway - if I am involved in something, I arm myself with as much information as possible before diving in head first.

In all of my research, it became very clear to me that I may never find an author who shared my experience; the once diehard childless DINK couple gone soft.  I'm sure there are many people out there who are like me, but most narratives are from the doting "always wanted to be a mommy" mommies.  The closest I found that I could relate to was an ambivalent mommy.  But none who had taken quite the "180" that I had.  How would I ever be able to relate to all these gushing, doting women who had been mothers since the day they were born?

When I think back to my staunch and rigid views about not having children, I look at them fondly.  In fact, most of the reasons why I feel having kids isn't for everyone are still valid.  Many people do not ask themselves the tough questions.  Are we emotionally equipped to handle a child?  Do I have the support of my spouse and our family?   Are we financially prepared for the added expense?  What if the child has disabilities?  Are we prepared for a lifetime commitment?

What happened is, who I have become has changed the answers to those questions for me.  The truth is, I still am a confident, independent woman who doesn't need to find my self-worth by procreating.  That's exactly what I am ready to be a mother.

So this blog is dedicated to anyone and everyone, but a special "what what" goes out to those women who never wanted to have kids but are thinking about a change of heart.  I hope this will be a candid and unbiased glance into our lives for the next 9 months, and beyond.  We'll call it our Life Experiment.