Thursday, March 6, 2014

Life Happens

A quick catch up...   Now I have two wonderful kids, Lincoln and Norah, I gave up the company in favour of Ryan working in the Alberta oil sands, and after a about a year when he decided he was sick of being away, we decided I would go back to work and he would be a stay at home dad.  Now you know what's happened the last 3 years, in a nutshell.  I promise I'll fill in the blanks as we go.

Thursday, November 3, 2011


At first I was pretty gung-ho (whatever that really means) to journal my pregnancy experience.  Then Christmas came.  Then preparing our business for my "maternity leave." Then hiring and training new staff.  Then life craziness got the best of me, and I never had time to continue my journal entries while I was still pregnant.  So now the baby is here and I'm going to continue my blog in retrospect.  I still have a lot of fun pregnancy stories to tell, and even more newborn baby stories, so come on, hang out with me, and I'll continue sharing with you.  Life is full of stories just waiting to be told, don't you think?

Editor's Note:  Since we're all playing catch up, here's a tip:  It's probably best to read from the bottom up, in chronological order.  It'll make more sense. :)

Wednesday, October 5, 2011


December 22, 2010

Got the new email today - the baby is now the size of a sesame seed, which I actually really love so you can imagine my delight.  I had a sesame seed bagel for lunch in honour of our sesame seed sized baby.  Is that weird?


December 21, 2010

Today I signed up for the Baby Center newsletter and learned that I'm actually "Four Weeks" pregnant, despite having only conceived two weeks ago.  (How does that work, anyway?)  And that our baby is about the size of a poppy seed.  Which sounds fairly insignificant.  Then I learned that right now at this very moment, the two main parts of the body are developing: the part that will become the brain, and the part that will become the internal organs.  Pretty crazy, right?  How can all that be going on inside a poppy seed?


December 20, 2010

Today my husband and I made love for the first time since we "found out."  I thought it might be weird or something, but it was the same as before.  I actually think one of my major symptoms of pregnancy has to be my huge libido.  We've never had a problem in that area, but for the last two weeks I've been especially, well, you know.  (I wish there were a less crass word for this than horny, but there just isn't so there you have it). 

Afterwards, Ryan leaned over with his head resting in his hand and said "My boys must be pretty confused about now.  They're probably saying 'Fall back!  Fall back!  This area is already occupied!'"  Oh Ryan and his military references! :)

Speaking of pregnancy symptoms, what they say is true... symptoms of pregnancy are exactly like symptoms of PMS at first.  I've been so emotional (crying over Canadian Tire commercials, for pete sake), my skin broke out into a vivid patch of acne along my chin and jawline, I have cramps and just generally feel tired.  And the libido thing I mentioned earlier.  I haven't become acquainted with sore boobs or morning sickness yet, and on the bright side, I may not.  Everyone is a little different.  I don't want to read about symptoms and will them into existence.  I just want to organically experience what this journey has to offer.

Tonight my husband and I watched "House", one of our all-time favourite shows, and it was such a funny episode we were both belly laughing to the point of silence.  I wondered at what developmental stage the baby would be able to hear laughter, so I looked it up.  It's around 26 weeks.  We plan on doing a lot of laughing.


December 19, 2010

"Pregnant.  1-2 weeks."

The digital display on the expensive Clear Blue preggo tester didn't leave any room for doubt, unlike the vague blue plus sign of the no-name brand kits I got at three for a nickel.  It hasn't really lodged itself in my brain as a reality yet.  None-the-less, I'm slowly and cautiously giving myself permission to be just a little excited, and Ryan and I have actually spoken about it out loud so it's starting to sink in. 

I don't know whether it's psychosomatic or not, but now that I "know" it's as if every little physical feeling I experience is somehow because I'm pregnant. 

Like today.

I felt nauseated.  Is it because there's a teeny person growing inside me, or is it simply how I always feel after eating a greasy meal?  I know I feel more exhausted than usual, and Ryan is claiming sympathy exhaustion.  He's snoring beside me as I write this.  Downstairs our tenant is performing his usual evening ritual of blowing his nose in a perfect B flat.

So the first meal I knowingly fed my unborn child this morning was McDonald's breakfast.  Does it still constitute child abuse if baby's not even out of the womb yet?  I felt ashamed, but it was mini-Christmas with my brother Vince here and it had been the plan all along.  Two weeks past conception and already he/she has had an Egg McMuffin.

Being around the family the last twenty-four hours has made not slipping something a big challenge.  We've already decided that we're going to have to tell our families on the 26th.  We're staying overnight at the Herrods' that night for the Herrod Family Christmas and it'll be too hard to keep it a secret, what with the amount of alcohol I usually consume at Christmas time.  (For those of you who are thinking of mailing me AA pamphlets as we speak, this is an inside joke that probably only a select few will appreciate.)

I'm sure I'm not alone in how anxious and awkward I feel about the big reveal, but I can't exactly place why.  I think it's because for that moment you're suddenly the centre of everyone's attention which, for an extreme introvert like myself, is very much like one of those dreams where you go into a public washroom and find the only stall left is one with no door and you're somehow compelled to use that very stall and everyone is standing there watching you.  Or am I the only one who has dreams like that? 

Anyway, I know everyone will be super excited and supportive, I'm not worried about that at all.  It's the telling.  We've decided to casually slip it into conversation as opposed to doing something showy.  Short and sweet.  Like pulling off a bandage really quickly.  Only not a bandaid.  And cooler.


Saturday December 18, 2010

I think I'm pregnant.

To some people those words are said in fear, elation, joy... and certainly in all cases, trepidation.  Regardless of whether it was planned or a surprise, it almost certainly will guarantee that you are about to embark upon an adventure of unknown proportions.

Although faint, all three pregnancy tests I did today, at various times throughout the day, all show the faintest blue line indicating "positive".  Ever the skeptic, I dropped 20 large on one of those super expensive digital ones that tell you, not only if you're pregnant, but also the babies eye colour, height and future occupation.  I'll take that test tomorrow morning, to be sure.  I probably still won't be satisfied that I'm really pregnant until the baby actually emerges from my loins.  Every package insert and website I've read assures me that a false positive is very rare, so there's a really good chance there are actually three people here in bed, not just two.

If you had asked me if I ever wanted kids about 10 years ago, the answer would have been a resounding "Hell No".  I even wrote an opinion piece for the local newspaper extolling the virtues of childlessness by choice.  I was a confident, independent woman who didn't need to find my self-worth through procreation.

Everyone always told me I'd change my mind.  "Oh you'll see," they told me.  Their mockery of what I felt was my permanent fundamental belief, hurt.  I even had a youth pastor's wife tell me that if I didn't intend on having children, surely I had no business getting married.  Now if you knew my mother you would know what kind of hell on earth she caused our church when she found this out.  She was always my champion.

Having been married twice and divorced, my mother was fiercely independent and instilled it into her girls, too.  I remember receiving my first toolbox as a Christmas gift when I was fifteen.  I suppose you could call it some sort of feminism.  I just called it normal.

Years and years later, also at a church function, I met my husband.  Everything changes when you meet the man of your dreams.  Suddenly Clay Aiken didn't take as high of a priority, I stopped eating Chef Boy-R-Dee (as frequently), and my uterus leapt a little at the thought of having kids.  I guess it never really occurred to me that I would ever love someone enough to want to bear their young.  But I do love Ryan that much, and I'm not ashamed to say that I had a change of heart.

I remember the night we had "the talk."  You see, Ryan married me knowing I never wanted to have kids.  He loved me more than he wanted to be a dad, even though he had dreamt of becoming a father his whole life.  He loved me more.

About a year into our marriage, late one night, we stumbled upon the topic of kids.  It could have been the couple glasses of wine I had enjoyed earlier, but something inside of me started chipping away at a brick wall that had been guarding a very vulnerable part of my heart.  Through kisses and tears, I told him I would go off the pill and we'd leave it in God's hands.  That was October of 2009.

A year older and wiser, I realize everything happens in God's perfect timing.  Our company is growing to the extent that as of February 2011 I was poised to be entering into full-time administration from home.  We just hired eight new team members, we just found a new home church and things are just generally falling into place for us.  Never early, never late, but always on time.

In contemplating parenthood a year ago, Ryan and I took a trip to the library to borrow as many books on the subject as possible.  I never do anything halfway - if I am involved in something, I arm myself with as much information as possible before diving in head first.

In all of my research, it became very clear to me that I may never find an author who shared my experience; the once diehard childless DINK couple gone soft.  I'm sure there are many people out there who are like me, but most narratives are from the doting "always wanted to be a mommy" mommies.  The closest I found that I could relate to was an ambivalent mommy.  But none who had taken quite the "180" that I had.  How would I ever be able to relate to all these gushing, doting women who had been mothers since the day they were born?

When I think back to my staunch and rigid views about not having children, I look at them fondly.  In fact, most of the reasons why I feel having kids isn't for everyone are still valid.  Many people do not ask themselves the tough questions.  Are we emotionally equipped to handle a child?  Do I have the support of my spouse and our family?   Are we financially prepared for the added expense?  What if the child has disabilities?  Are we prepared for a lifetime commitment?

What happened is, who I have become has changed the answers to those questions for me.  The truth is, I still am a confident, independent woman who doesn't need to find my self-worth by procreating.  That's exactly what I am ready to be a mother.

So this blog is dedicated to anyone and everyone, but a special "what what" goes out to those women who never wanted to have kids but are thinking about a change of heart.  I hope this will be a candid and unbiased glance into our lives for the next 9 months, and beyond.  We'll call it our Life Experiment.